Dear Reader,
If you’re reading this, you are likely suffering from Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG). In a world where so little is known about HG, where doctors disregard your suffering and are deaf to your cries, and where other moms seem to be enjoying their pregnancies, you might be experiencing loneliness, neglect, anxiety, and fear. It’s not in your head. It’s real. I hope my HG pregnancy story serves not just as encouragement to keep surviving for you and your baby, but a source of comfort that you are not alone, even though it might feel that way.
I’m Emily, a wife and registered nurse. I’m happy to say that on 4/28/2023, I gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby boy. He is the joy of my life.
My whole life, I always looked forward to pregnancy.
My pregnancy was far from the peaceful and joyful experience I dreamed it’d be. At work, I would care for new mothers and their newborns, getting more and more excited to meet my own…
…but that excitement quickly turned to desperation.
I couldn’t take my prenatal vitamin because every time I did, I would vomit it right back up. I asked my doctor if there was anything I could do to get vitamins into my body for my baby, and he said, “Prenatal vitamins aren’t very necessary if you have a well-rounded diet.” But I did not have a well-rounded diet. That gave me even more fear and zero answers. I felt ashamed that my baby was suffering because I could not provide the necessary nutrition for him.
I felt embarrassed for vomiting in my patient’s toilets at work. I felt guilty for having to say no to events that I was invited to, for showing up and having to lay down, or vomiting at their house. One friend complained of me being “distant,” and at the time, I took the blame for that, and it weighed very heavily on me. But that is how I felt…distant.
My husband did all of the cleaning of our house and cared for me so graciously. I loved to cook, but once I got pregnant, I could no longer cook my husband’s meals. I wished that I could care for him and our home, too, but I just couldn’t.
I felt robbed…
I felt robbed of my personality. I felt robbed of my strength. Most of all, I felt robbed of the dreamy pregnancy that I had always desired.
Here is a letter I wrote when I was in my 3rd trimester.
By then, I had been to the ER for fluids multiple times and had also been hospitalized after a night of vomiting so hard that I started having contractions at 34 weeks (which thankfully stopped once I got IV fluids). I had been prescribed 7 different medications, all of which did not help. The only thing keeping me from despair was knowing in my heart that pregnancy does not last forever. I wrote:
Hello, I’m 34 weeks pregnant and am suffering from HG. This is my first pregnancy and I am so thankful and happy to be pregnant as I have always looked forward to this time and have always wanted to be a mother, but I did not realize how hard pregnancy would be. I often feel like a failure and feel guilty that I am not giving my baby enough nutrients. Physically, I’m exhausted. I’ve had to go to the hospital to get IV fluids multiple times throughout this pregnancy and have also struggled to continue to work. I’m still working full-time night shifts as a nurse, but have had to call off multiple shifts. Each 12-hour night of work is extremely difficult due to extreme nausea, vomiting, and exhaustion.
The most discouraging and frustrating thing for me is the fact that my doctors would not to diagnose me with HG, even though I have every symptom and sign. When I bring it up, they say that the baby and I are both healthy enough and that nausea and vomiting are normal in pregnancy. I feel very alone and unheard. My family, especially my husband, are my strongholds as they have been there for me throughout this pregnancy, but they can only help so much without the support from my doctors.
I am not an anxious person normally, but struggling with this undiagnosed HG has made me very nervous, sad, angry, and fearful of the future. I worry about my future health and, most of all, my child’s health. The full effects of HG are not yet known, and I worry that my baby will suffer as a result.
Also, I always dreamed of having a large family, but I am extremely scared of getting pregnant again as I cannot imagine going through this suffering again.
I am disappointed with myself and often feel weak physically and emotionally.
I wish my doctors would take the time to listen to me and help me. I showed them that I scored 41 on the HyperEmesis Level Prediction (HELP) Score Assessment and fell into the severe HG category, but they did nothing.
Thankfully, at 34 weeks, I am nearing the end of my pregnancy…however, I find myself wishing that my baby would be born now even though the baby would be preterm, because I do not want to go through 6 more weeks of HG. I feel guilty and like a bad mother for wishing that the baby would be born sooner than later.
I really need support.
If anyone reads this, thank you for taking the time.
Ironically, I did end up getting officially diagnosed with HG, but not until I was in labor with my son. Even though that diagnosis could have helped me during my first pregnancy, I know that I can use my HG diagnosis as credibility to advocate for myself for future pregnancies.
~Emily, USA
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