Extremely Upset.

Including Post Partum Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder & flashbacks.

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Extremely Upset.

Postby GingerMama » Dec 09, 2013 12:25 pm

I went into the ER last week and found out my due date was a week behind what I expected. I was very very upset. I went to my dr the next week for a follow up ultrasound and at that point there was no growth from Sunday to Wed and no heart beat. I was shocked because I was still throwing up like crazy. I had no bleeding or cramping. I was given something to help pass the remains.

I felt so terrible because when I found out there was no heart beat I was relieved, the throwing up would stop soon. I wanted that baby. I didn't at first. I didn't want HG. But I wanted a normal pregnancy and I wanted another baby. I lost 13lbs in a matter of 4-5 days from constant vomiting. My throat was so sore from dry heaving. The only time it would stop for even a moment was when I was knocked out asleep or when there was not even stomach acid left in my stomach.

I am allergic to everything. Raglan, Zophran, and Phinnegran didn't work like it did my last pregnancy. Even the tape for the IV made me break out. I laid my arm on my head while sleeping and the adhesive made my whole face break out.

The ER stopped taking me serious my second time I came for re-hydration. They didn't even know what Hyperemesis was. When I told them I was there for hyperemesis they nodded their heads and asked more questions then out of nowhere suggested that I may be pregnant. I wanted to hit her. They left me in the waiting room for 7 hours vomiting constantly. Before I finally gave up on hydration and went home to vomit in peace.

Now it's over. It was worse the second time around even if it only lasted a few weeks. My dr only suggested infusion therapy. It's $100 a day after insurance. I don't have that sort of money. I pay a lot of insurance every month and that added expense. I just don't have it.

I have all of these pregnant friends and I don't even want to see them. I don't want to hear about their pregnancies. I am so upset that it's financially impossible for me to have another baby without feeling as if I am dying for half of a year. I wanted 4 kids and now it will be just the one. Every time my toddler meets a mile stone I find myself filled with grief thinking this will be the last time I have this time in my life.

I always wanted to be a mom. In school I studied small children because I knew I would be a stay at home mom. I wanted a bunch of kids running around. I always hated the idea of having just one. One with no siblings. No nieces. No nephews. Few cousins. I wanted that big chaotic family life. I feel like it's all been taken from me.

My husband is great when I am sick. But when I told him my feelings he told me if I wanted bad enough I would make it through it. But I just cant do it. I can't do it again with no medical help. I can't deal with my toddler screaming mommy and I can't get off the bathroom floor.

I feel so down. I am so upset about all of this and I don't want anyone to know. I feel depressed, defective, ashamed, sad, disappointed. And selfish. Because I do have one child and that should be enough. I don't know whats wrong with me.
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Re: Extremely Upset.

Postby dwtegli » Dec 09, 2013 2:09 pm

There is nothing wrong with you. You have every right to feel all of those things. We have all felt them at one time or another. I am so very sorry about the outcome you had this time around. I can only imagine the grief you are feeling. The rest, yes most of us have felt that. I know quite a few of us wanted more kids than we stopped at. It is incredibly hard to come to terms with. You will grieve, and you have every right to. As for the other part, my first reaction is to say don't give up yet. However, I don't know all your circumstances. I do however, think you should do some research. Research doctors in your area, see if you can find a doctor who is aware of HG and willing to treat it aggressively. I sure hope you can find one, it infuriates me when I hear the ignorance of some places. I pray that someday soon you will find someone willing to work with you and who makes you feel comfortable enough to give it another go, with spectacular results. It definitely will never be easy, sometimes a good doctor with aggressive treatment can certainly help.
There's no way to be a perfect mother, and a million ways to be a good one. ~ Jill Churchill
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Re: Extremely Upset.

Postby DebbieS » Dec 11, 2013 7:11 pm

Very very sorry to hear of your loss. It never seems fair to go through so much only to lose your pregnancy. (Hugs)
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